No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
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I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.