@brunopieroni

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

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@teddywah

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

@Cheeseboy22

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

@MattMcC1

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

@VerifiedDrunk

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

@six_2_and_even

Honey can you pick up some bananas, melons, peaches, eggplants and clams at the Innuendo Market?

@Shen_the_Bird

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

@PaperWash

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now