Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
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I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Honey can you pick up some bananas, melons, peaches, eggplants and clams at the Innuendo Market?
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now