Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

my fav colour is also hitler

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.