“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I want to meet the individual who made this
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?