Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

How do you milk an almond?

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.