No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
A man of commitment.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go