No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Breaking news:
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing