Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.