no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
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I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.