no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
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Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.