no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
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I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Gods work.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.