no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
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5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Cat or sheep
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
