@ndiquote

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

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@MrAaronAbrams

I made fun of a lady swaddling her dog in a blanket and she overheard and turns out it wasn’t a dog it was her baby hey have a great Monday.

@Izianikapani

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

@bidenandobama

Biden: Think about it like an investment opportunity.

Obama: I’m not buying you an above ground pool, Joe.

@Jamberee13

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

@NicCageMatch

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

@blaha_Who

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

@ShortSleeveSuit

Bank robber: I got the money! Let’s get outta here!

Me [waiting outside on our getaway unicycle]: *rings bike bell*

@Bratterina

I dont mind splitting a bill on a date but if you ask me to work out the math part of it, then just get out my life buddy. I dont math for nobody.