No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
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Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
ibopfufen
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*