no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
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If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.