no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
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In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Lmaoo 😂
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.