no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
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thanksgiving should be called feaster
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.