Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

Going to church you guys need anything

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.