Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

an octopus is just a wet spider

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help