No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
You Might Also Like
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it