No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.