Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

Goat cheese is for herders.

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.