Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS