No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
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“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I will never stop laughing at this
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.