No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
You Might Also Like
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
lmao
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”