Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.