Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

Every time.

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

never forget

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that