Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?