no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
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i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.