no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
You Might Also Like
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.