Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.