no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
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Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
my neighbor is so annoying he keeps texting me things like “my cat is missing” and “i can see my cat in your window” shut the fuck up bill
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Good Morning.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
*grabs bag of lettuce*
Lettuce: Finally, she’s going to use me!
*picks up cupcake container that was under it, sets lettuce back down, and closes refrigerator door*
Lettuce: Jerk.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.