Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

Fun Things

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours