No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
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Why aren’t more people talking about this?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.