No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
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I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
When you’ve simply given up.
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Cake safety first. Always.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.