No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
love it when they get my name right
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience