Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon