No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
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they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”