No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
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what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
No one can handle that
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?