No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
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I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
channeling her this year
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
If it weren’t for the British I’d be herding cows away from a craggy cliff in a wool shawl but no, they had to get greedy and now I have to figure out my back taxes
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
not for long
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”