No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
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Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.