Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

😂

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

How did we not see this back then?

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

Frankenstein?

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing