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Brilliant!
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside