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Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.