No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
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Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
My patience has stretch marks.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.