Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.