Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤