No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
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I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts