No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.