No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
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I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
😭😭😭
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.