No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?