No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
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Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
seems fine
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.