Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

fair

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.