No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.