No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
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Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t