Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meow

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

I can fix him.

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you