Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

Isn’t

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.