No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
You Might Also Like
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
