No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
You Might Also Like
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps