No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
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I was very concerned with my Grandma today
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.