I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
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Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.