no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
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I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
The French cow says MEUX…
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure