no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
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*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I need to sieze this.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.