no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
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If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Those are good neighbors.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!