no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
You Might Also Like
#inspiration #foodforthought
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”