no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
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Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.