Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Festive toon…

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.