Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

I get distracted pretty eas

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

I am never leaving this website

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice