Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

absolute chaos

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?