No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
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I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
