no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars