Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults