No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something