no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
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It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
honestly, i need both:
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
Saturday
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this