Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

tfw you realize …

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight