no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
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Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Two types of dogs.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.