no cat here
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reverse psychology? that’ll never work
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Don’t snitch tag.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
#Caturday
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek