no cat here
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.