Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.