No chill.
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Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Reminder:
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)