NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”