NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
No laws when master is gone
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA