NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.