Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said