No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
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Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Story time
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask