No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
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WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!