No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
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My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
My patience has stretch marks.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.