NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick